The weight and inches I’ve lost have finally reached a tipping point. I can no longer shop at Lane Bryant, my go-to clothing store. Two weeks ago I picked up new underwear, size 14/16. They were a bit baggy, but I needed to replace all my size 18s. While shopping, I tried on some jeans. Each cut I tried didn’t fit – too loose.
I felt excited, then a bit of panic set in. Where would I go now for clothes?
My little freakout lasted for about 5 minutes before I remembered that, over the last few months, Old Navy has steadily replaced Lane Bryant as my “go-to” clothing store.
Still Seeing The Fat Girl
It’s funny. I know that I can buy clothes at Macy’s, Nordstrom and other department stores. But when it comes to clothes, I still think of myself as the fat girl who can’t fit into any of “those” outfits.
Earlier this week I went shopping with my mother at Macy’s. I saw a dress I really liked and immediately looked for the largest size (Grrrrr!!!). While finding a size to try on, I lost my nerve. I listened to that little voice in my head — “Why bother. It won’t fit” — and promptly put the dress back on the rack. Sigh…
Battling Body-Image Blues
I never saw myself as having a body-image issue. But after 3 years on this journey, it’s all too easy to forget about my success while staring in the mirror at that belly fat, chunky thighs or underarm bat wings.
It took awhile before I finally accepted I no longer weighed 325 pounds. Even when I wore a size 22, I’d always look at the largest sizes first.
Breaking with old habits requires a change in perception. To that end, I use to start the day looking at my “before and after” photos. After all, photos don’t lie. When I dwelt too much on my flaws, I’d pull out the heavy artillery — my fat jeans (size 28). Nothing kicked the body-image blues to the curb faster than stepping back into those huge jeans.
Once I hit 250 I felt I finally had my head in the right spot. I didn’t see my flaws or or think about weight I still had to loose. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone happy, healthy and looking pretty damn good!
Unfortunately, I thought I won my little self-image war. My fat jeans went back into the bottom of a drawer and my “after” photos stopped appearing on my fridge and bulletin boards. My ego told me, “I got this.”
Turns out I didn’t win the war, only the first salvo in a long, drawn out struggle.
I now realize by not trying on that dress, I lost the next battle in my body-image fight. Even though the scale says I’m 187 lbs., I think of myself as weighing 250. It’s time for me to join the fight once again.
Hello Victoria’s Secret
Yesterday I hit the mall with my niece. We ended up at Victoria’s Secret. I noticed that my bra cups push away from my body (a sure sign they are too big) and I was fastening my bras on the last hooks. I decided to get re-measured. But again, that little voice still messed with me. I expected the girl wrapping the measuring tape around me to state my new size and then apologize that they didn’t carry it.
Turns out, I’m no longer a 38DD. Not only am I between a 36D and 34D, but the sales lady started bringing me both sizes to try on. Woohoo!!
Well that’s another item to scratch off my Healthy Bucket List (#13 on my list).
After picking out two new bras (36Ds…34s are a little too tight for now), my niece noticed the underwear was on sale and suggested I pick some up.
No way, I thought. No way I can get those on my big butt.
Happily, I was wrong again.
Hmmmm….perhaps I need to head over to Macy’s.